My fiancé (Pepper) and I have found a new type of “side effect” of spending a lot of naked time with each other: Sexually Transmitted Traits (or STT’s for short). These are things that really shouldn’t be able to be transmitted through sexual activity, but through some miracle of the human body, they definitely are.
The first is a favorite of mine, simply because so many women claim that they don’t do it, ever. An activity that every guy knows that you really do, so you should just admit it (and stop blaming it on the: dog, cat, baby etc). The activity: farting. Neither of us knows how it happens but if one of us has gas before sex, the other will have it after. Thankfully I am “lucky” enough that she doesn’t try to hide it, so it’s usually a good laugh.
Next up: IBS. The bane of my existence. But, thanks to an app on my cell phone, also the reason I am so good at Monopoly. I have had this amazing GI dysfunction for quite some time now. It’s a pain in the ass (pun intended) most times, but it does have its benefits, namely it keeps me from getting fat and giving me plenty of time to read. For some unknown reason, Pepper started getting the same symptoms, which is honestly hilarious because she used to say that she wished she had it to help her lose weight. She is not enjoying it nearly as much as she thought she would.
Pepper has always suffered from allergies for as long as I’ve known her. She takes pills every night to subdue the symptoms but they don’t disappear completely. I, on the other hand, have never had allergies, other than the normal ones like mosquitoes and poison ivy. She hates that I think she looks cute with a red, stuffy nose and watery eyes, and has apparently found a way to repay the IBS. For the first time in my life, I suffered from seasonal allergies. She was way too excited to take me to Walgreens for extra tissues and allergy meds.
One of the most unusual STT’s that we have observed is “planning”. When we first started dating, I planned every step of every process that could possibly occur. I figured out how long each activity would take, and scheduled accordingly. Pepper… not so much. She was the spontaneous one. She loved nothing more than to jump in her car and drive, having no idea where she was going to end up or what she was going to do when she got there. Suffice it to say, I was the planner of the relationship. Vacations were planned down to what clothing we needed each day. Somewhere along the way, this completely switched. She is now the planner, not just for us, but for all of our friends as well. She knows when every birthday and anniversary is and reminds friends when to buy their siblings presents. Seven of us are going on a trip next year, and she has already found and booked a hotel, where we are meeting up, and how we are getting there. It’s gotten to the point where our friends don’t call their doctor’s to double-check when their appointments are, they call Pepper. I, on the other hand, have contracted her spontaneity and I am more than happy to just start driving and see where we end up.
Needless to say, STT’s are a miracle of the meat-suit that we get to inhabit. We don’t know how they occur, only that they do, usually with amusing consequences. So be careful who you sleep with, you just might end up with asthma and bad gas.
